Talking Back to Instant Pot®, or “Stuff You’ll Be Able to Get Cheap at Yard Sales in About Fourteen Months”

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So, I decided to see what all the fuss was about.

Duo Mini 7-in-1 Multi-Use Programmable Pressure Cooker with Advanced Microprocessor Technology, 3 Quart…

A “mini” three quart? In my house, that’s the “big pot.” By the way, I just love this 1.5 quart slow cooker I picked up last year. 

If you live a fast-paced, healthy and eco-friendly lifestyle, Instant Pot is designed specifically for you.

Guess I’m SOL, then. I am impressed, however, at this whole marketing-through-flattery thing you got going on here.

Instant Pot® is a smart Electric Pressure Cooker designed by Canadians…

Please. If it were Canadian, it would come with its own gravy.

The Duo Mini kitchen appliance combines the functions of a Pressure Cooker, Slow Cooker, Rice/Porridge Cooker, Yogurt Maker, Sauté/Searing Pan, Steamer, and Warmer.

Well, the only one I don’t already own is the pressure cooker and the yogurt maker. I don’t do pressure cooking (Pressure cooking’s great if you’re cooking for a lot of people or are pressed for time. Neither apply in my case. I also don’t like the results, except for some grains. Because there’s no caramelization, everything winds up tasting steamed.) And, I can make yogurt in the slow cooker. So, why do you keep talking like this is great for everyone on the planet? I mean, like, every single person?

The perfect companion to your existing Instant Pot®…

See what I mean? What makes you think I have an “existing” pot? Getting a little presumptuous there, aren’t we?

The Instant Pot® Duo Mini emits very little steam, heat or cooking smells. The microprocessor carefully runs lab-tested algorithms to control the time, cooking pressure and temperature to ensure consistent cooking results. You can customize these settings with the operations keys to control pressure level, “+” and “-” to adjust cooking time and the “Cancel” to allow you to achieve your preferred cooking results. The fully sealed environment traps the flavors, nutrients and aromas within the food instead of releasing them throughout the home.

Yeah, heaven forbid you should smell home cooking in your house. And, how are we supposed to make those adjustments when we have no idea how the cooking’s progressing?

During pressure cooking, heat is distributed evenly, deeply and quickly once pressure is built… [M]eats and bones are thoroughly cooked yet tender, and whole grains and beans are soft and delicious, all with remarkable consistency.

I cook a lot of both grains and beans and “soft” is not a good thing where they’re concerned. And, why on earth would I want tender bones?

Instant Pot® Duo Mini developed with the latest 3rd generation technology…

Please. 3rd generation technology is so 2012.

The cooking programs have been thoroughly tested for optimal results and have greatly improved the cooking results and consistency of dishes. For instance, green peas, sweet corn and baby carrots can be steamed in 2 – 3 minutes, fresh or frozen.

Which is exactly the amount of time it takes to steam them on a stove top with one of those little expanding basket gadgets.

Instant Pot continues to innovate to make it easier to Cook Healthy Food Fast!

Even though the pressure cooker was invented in 1679.

Granted, this sort of multi-function device might be good for someone setting up a countertop kitchen in a cabin or other limited space. (I’d add a decent toaster oven.) And, for people who already love pressure cooking, this version may be more convenient than a stovetop one. So, yeah, this makes the Instant Pot far more useful than, say, the Juicero

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